Help

This was a bad day.  My husband, Mark, my son, Elijah and I had to have a meeting with the DA.  Elijah missed 52 days of school last year.  So we went to the meeting; Mark had to rescedule his dialysis, he's an end stage renal patient, so that was a bit of a pain.  So we attended this meeting, along with many other unhappy parents and truant kids.  I tried to tell the District Attorney that my son has agoraphobia and that we were home schooling him and she very politely shooshed me.  I waited until the end of the meeting to talk to her.  After almost everyone had left the room she took us aside to talk.

I told the DA that Elijah had agoraphobia and he was throwing up every day before school and that we have documentation saying that he was being home schooled during the time that he was supposed to have had all the absences.  She, being very polite again said, "Yeah, I've heard that one."  So we left.

In the car I stated to cry, everything that we have been going through was coming to a head in my mind and I felt like I could not handle one more thing.  Mark as sick as he is, me, with borderline personality disorder, Elijah and Michael, with their anxiety and that's just the begining of all the problems, I could go on and on.

My eyes were puffy from crying by the time we got home.  I went up into my bedroom and looked at my pills that I have for a damaged back.  I started imagining taking all those pills and being done with this hard, hard life.  We never have enough money to make ends meet, we are all sick and then to top that off, we get looked down on for being poor.  I didnt want one more day of it.  I started to plan how I was going to do it.  I thought about my kids; which has changed my mind in the past, but it didn't this time.  I was going to do it.

I took Elijah to school, came home, took Mark to dialysis and then went to my Mom's house.  We watched TV for a while, then my Mom got up to get some tea.  At 3:00 we usually watch Dr. Oz but today Mom was in the kitchen and Dr Drew came on, and on it was a guy with a burned face who caught my attention so I went in and sat down.

His name was JR and he got burned while serving in Iraq.  I couldn't stop looking at him, not because he was burned, but because I saw something so attractive about him.  I couldn't stop listening to him talk about how he got blown up on his jeep.  Then he went on to say that he thought he was going to die in that jeep but he held on until someone pulled him out and he held on in the hospital.  Then he said something that I had been asking myself just that morning, "Why am I here?"  I related to that in a deep way.  Then he told how he was asked to speak to another burn patient and he went but he didn't quite know why.  As he stood looking into the patients room, it came to him, he was here to help others like himself, others going through the same thing.  I cried!

That was the moment that I decided that I wasn't goint to hurt myself.  That was the moment that I realized what the point to this life on mine is, why I've been here all this time and why after trying so many times to end it, God wouldn't let me.

If you are feeling down and you need someone to talk to please contact me at lyricoc@yahoo.com .  I would love to talk to you.

Connie