Guilty Conscience

     Our Church holds a prayer meeting every Tuesday night.  There were three or four meetings, one February, that stand out in my memory.  The Holy Spirit was really moving.  Wonderful things were happening, and we could feel Jesus in the middle of it all.
     One of these Tuesday nights, My husband, Mark,  was in charge of leading the service, we asked everyone attending Church if they would fast and pray before coming on Tuesday night.  More people attended that Tuesday night than ever before.
     This Tuesday night, we began by singing praise songs.  Next, Mark asked everyone to confess their sins, out loud or quietly, he told us all to do as we were led.  One person after another, confessed their sins out loud.  I was so touched by this, I wanted to join in with the others, and confess my sins out loud, but I couldn't.  I have a hard time talking in front of a large group, so I confessed my sins silently.  But the more people that spoke out, the more I felt bad about being silent.  I couldn't do what I wanted to do and I even started to feel guilty about it.
     A lot of time passed and when it seemed that everyone had finished, Mark moved on.  There was more singing and Mark talked for a while.  Two men got down down on their knees and lifted their hands, as I looked around the group, I saw other hands raised, and some were crying.  I wanted to be a part of it.  I wanted to do it all, get on my knees, cry, lift my hands to God, but I couldn't do anything.
     The thing that I didn't realize until later was, that I wasn't feeling this guilt over my sins.  I had confessed my sins silently to God, and I had believed that God had forgiven me.  But because I wasn't bold enough, I couldn't forgive myself.  I wanted so badly to participate in the rest of the service, but instead I sat and watched.  I didn't feel like I was part of the wonderful things that were happening.
     The next day I felt depressed.  I said over and over, "I'm sorry Lord that I didn't speak out."  I kept thinking, "What is the matter with me?  Everyone else could do it."  I just couldn't get rid of the guilt that I felt.
     Finally, I told Mark what I had been going through.  Mark was wonderful about it.  He prayed for me, then we opened the Bible.  Without thinking about it, I turned in my Bible to Hebrews.  There it was, like medicine to my spirit.  As I read in Hebrews, every bad feeling I was holding on to, left me.
     The part that really spoke to me was Hebrews 10: 19- 23, "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the most Holy Place, by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His Body, and since we have a great Priest over the house of God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us form a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful."
     I realized that I had been choosing to hold on to the guilt, forgetting just how much Jesus has done for us.  And because of it, I had missed out on something wonderful.  In this scripture I could here God telling me,  "Let the guilt go!"  And so I did.