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     Today was a bad day.  My husband Mark, my son Elijah, and I had to have a meeting with the District Attorney.  Elijah missed 52 days of school last year.  So we went to the meeting; Mark had to reschedule his dialysis, he is an end stage renal patient, so that was a bit of a pain.  We were there along with many other unhappy parents and truant kids.  I raised my hand and tried to tell the DA that my son has agoraphobia and that we were home schooling him and she politely shooshed me.  I waited until the end of the hour long meeting to talk to her.  After almost every one had left the room, she took us aside to talk.
     I told the district Attorney that Elijah was diagnosed with agoraphobia and he was throwing up every day before school and that we had documentation saying that he was being home schooled during the time he was supposed to have had all the absences.  She, being very polite again said, "Yeah, I've heard that one."  So we left.
     In the car, I started crying, everything that we have been going through was coming to a head in my mind and I felt like I could not handle one more thing.  Mark being sick, me with borderline personality disorder, Elijah and Michael anxiety problems, and that is just the beginning of our trouble, I could go on and on, and I have in other stories. 
     My eyes were puffy from crying by the time we got home.  I went up to my bedroom and looked at my pain pills that I have for a damaged back.  I started imagining taking all those pills and being done with this hard, hard life.  We never have enough money to make ends meet, we are all sick and then to top that off, we get taken advantage of because we are poor and Christians.  I didn't want one more day of it.  I started to plan how I was going to do it.  I thought about all my kids; which usually changes my mind, but this time it didn't.  I was going to do it.
     I took Elijah to school, came home took Mark to dialysis and then went to my Mom's house.  We watched TV for a while then my Mom got up to get something to eat.  At 3:00 we usually watch Dr. oz but today Mom was in the kitchen and Dr Drew came on, and on the show was a man with a burned face who caught my attention, so I went in and sat down.
     His name was JR and he got burned while serving in Irac.  I couldn't stop looking at him, not because he was burned but because I saw something so attractive in him.  I couldn't stop listening to him talk about how he got blown up in his jeep.  Then he went on to say that he thought he was going to die in that jeep, but he held on until someone pulled him out and he held on in the hospital.  Then he said something that I had been thinking that same morning, "Why am I here?"  I related to that in a deep way.  Then he told how he was asked to speak to another burn patient.  He went but he didn't quite know why.  Then as he stood looking into the patients room, it came to him, he was here to help others going through the same thing, I cried!
     That was the moment I decided that I wasn't going to hurt myself.  That was the moment that I realized why I had been here all this time, and why after trying so many times to die, God wouldn't let me.
     Please E-mail me if I can help you.  Lyricoc@yahoo.com